I find myself in a situation where, for the first time in a long time, I (23 yo) have experienced clear female (21 yo) interest. This has triggered a combination of uncertainty, and the need to analyze everything.
I'm not used to being "chosen" because I am very introverted, I send out few social signals, and I generally tend to withdraw.
That's why the fact that someone noticed me relatively quickly took me by surprise, and part of my mind is looking for an explanation and control over the situation.
This woman is likable as a person. We have similar pasts, interests, and I feel that she experiences a sense of calm and security with me that she doesn't have at home. She probably sees stability and a different world in me. That makes sense to me, and I appreciate it.
However, I have a very clearly defined sexual preference: I am exclusively attracted to curvy women who feel comfortable and attractive in their bodies.
She has a pretty face, but she is slim and does not fully attract me physically.
Instead of making a simple decision, I started thinking strategically. I tell myself that she can gain weight, that there are cases where it happened naturally, that she might be willing if she likes me. Part of me sees it almost as a possible "exchange"—I offer stability and security, and over time she could offer a form that I find fully attractive. But I realize that I am actually entering into a relationship with a plan for change.
So my inner tension lies not only in the question of whether she is interested in me, but also in whether I can be in a relationship without the condition of future change. My mind works analytically and optimally—I try to turn a new emotional situation into a predictable project with an ideal outcome. At the same time, I know that openly communicating my wishes regarding her weight would be premature and probably hurtful.
So I stand between three things: her actual human compatibility and interest, my strong physical preference, and my own need to be in control in order to minimize risk and uncertainty.
At its core, I am trying to decide whether I can accept reality as it is now, or whether I would enter into a relationship with the silent condition that it must change over time.
And I agreed that she will visit me next weekend and will spend time together.
If anyone is interested I can share more details.
