I'm one of yall and I'm writing a romance novel (this isn't EROTICA per se) and I want to know how this comes across. Chubby chasing protag has been outed, it's a love triangle and he just met the OTHER WOMAN Cassidy last night. ... There's other scenes I might post but I wanted to see how people feel about this one:
PART 1 of 2:
With the excuse that it was to celebrate the end of final exams, and as a last date before Christmas break, I took Shasta to an affordable contemporary Canadian Italian place just off the train line downtown. I’m walking beside Shasta in the freezing wind, somewhat retreated inside myself. My brother Thomas’ advice was still simmering in my mind. I carefully considered how I was going to approach the uncomfortable dynamic that hung around Shasta and I like a fog, despite my best efforts to ignore it. The air was cold enough for frost to stiffen my clothes and ice to collect around my scarf. I would have been griping about it, but Shasta had opted to leave her legs bare and didn't seem to notice the cold at all, she was just content to hook her arm around mine and tell me all about her Art History exam on Monday. For a moment there, I wondered if the situation had already blown over, like the sandwich board at the entrance to the restaurant, flat on the sidewalk. It advertised Spaghetti for $18.99 with bottomless bread. I considered setting it back up, but then I’d have to take my frozen hands out of my pocket. I pulled open the double doors with my elbow and entered the lobby, tapping snow off my frozen feet, relieved to be inside. The air is humid and warm with the acrid scent of tomato and garlic.
I made eye contact with the teenage waiter at a podium in a white dress-shirt, and he smiles earnestly. I signal a table for two with my fingers and he shows us our seat, pulling out a chair for Shasta.
Shasta peels off her long black button up jacket and puts it on the back of the chair. She’s wearing a bright red dress with spaghetti straps, her string of pearls accentuating her graceful shoulders and collarbones. There’s a fake electric candle in a plastic vase between us on the off-white tablecloth. I saw at the sandwich board at the entrance that we should order the spaghetti, because it’s the special- 18.99, with bottomless bread. It’s a no brainer. I try to make some small talk about my exams coming up as the waiter brings a couple of glasses of ice water with black plastic straws. There's an elephant in the room. Shasta is looking at me from across the table with pursed lips, rapidly tapping her nails on the table. She sighs and insists we talk about 'the incident' after the show last night.
“So yesterday.”
“Yeah. I just wanted to–”
She interrupts "I knew that pretty much every guy watches porn, and that I don't have to take that personally if I choose not to. But it made me feel like you didn't want me and that you never would, that there might be someone out there who shows me up, because I don’t look like that.” She’s frowning a little and watching herself shove ice cubes around with a straw.
"Yeah. I'm super embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see that." I began to shrink into my chair. I want to disappear. She probably thinks I’m disgusting.
“No shit I wasn't supposed to see that. But when I realized what I was seeing, that video, I felt so jealous and powerless instantly. I know I laughed at first but that’s because I was so caught off guard. It made me realize that you and Cassidy were flirting with each other, right in front of me. But if I didn’t see the video, I never would have felt like you did anything wrong. That moment completely reframed last night for me, maybe our relationship.”
"Our relationship?? I love you. I’m so sorry. I'd never do anything to hurt you!" Now I'm really sweating. I really need to escape this conversation somehow. Should I say I need to go to the washroom?
"I really want to believe you. I know you wouldn’t… but I’m not crazy for worrying about it. I know you probably feel pretty awful, having your laundry out like that. You’ve been a good boyfriend to me.”
I’m wallowing in self pity too much to speak. I just sit and ruminate on how badly this sucks.
She grimaces and averts her gaze. “So… I want to tell you what I'm into, I think that will help. Like. To restore some balance between us, okay?" She’s hunched over a little with her hands folded in her lap.
“Okay…” Maybe I can survive this after all. My brother said she might react this way.
“ So… um. I was thinking of telling you this when we were walking my dog. I was hoping you'd just read my mind, I guess. But my fantasy is that I have this beast of a man, he's like a bear or a bull, but I have him on this little red leather leash that I hold with just two fingers..." The waiter appears suddenly and she ducks behind her menu. He puts down an intoxicatingly delicious smelling basket of sourdough buns with butter.
"Are you ready to order?" He asks. I try to send him off as quickly as possible by ordering two specials and two espressos. He tries to take our menus but Shasta is a little reluctant to give hers up, her face is so red. He only takes mine.
She's picking the corner of the laminated menu with her fingernail and looks up at me a little sheepishly. I ask her to continue. She grabs a bun from the basket and clutches it hard enough to start crushing it.
“Um. So I hold this leash with two fingers, even though he’s strong. I mean...” She starts meticulously ripping a bun into smaller and smaller pieces. “...I know that you aren’t like, literally a wolf or a minotaur. And I know it’s impossible for you to be those things, so it’s just a game, or a metaphor. But that stuff is deep inside of me.”
"I don't think what you're describing is that weird..." It sounds to me that she thinks I’m like a dog. I’m so skinny. I wonder if she wishes I was more muscular.
"Yeah. That's what I'm trying to get you to understand.” Shasta continues. “So like. I met up with Cassidy and I asked her to help me, this stuff is kinda new to me too. So we went on the internet and read up on your kink and I watched some videos and lurked around forums. I see that it's kind of a game, like with a leash. That part of it isn't weird to me at all."
I’m trying to be grateful that Shasta is being understanding, but I still kind of want to kill myself.
The waiter appears, and I pretend to be looking over the menu, which I had picked up upside down, as he brings us our two steaming plates piled high with spaghetti and meatballs, drenched in marinara and garnished with a sprinkling of parsley. Grater in hand, he creates a blizzard of cheese on top of our pastas and he promises to bring us out more ice water, and our espressos. We wait for him to leave again. I try to enjoy the meal. I probably should have thanked Shasta for opening up to me, but to be frank, I much rather we moved on from this embarrassing exposé.
CONT