>>3651Again, I wouldn't have said anything except you asked lol. It's really well-written o/a, the modifiers not totally egregious. It's mainly that you can trust your reader a bit more and let their imaginations do more of the work.
>...another futile tug at her skirt... The action itself can transmit what's happening rather than saying it. It could just be a "tug at her skirt" and we'll figure out that she's uncomfortable in it because it's too tight. Not that it's "wrong," but that extra word in there slows the flow.
>“Come in!” an authoritative voice replied.If someone yells Come in! the authority is implied.
>...a large black desk in the centre...I get you have a black desk in your mind, but do we need to know it's black? A large desk implies an important (or self-important) person, so that's... important. Mahogany or leather-topped, they spent some money on it. Black... who cares?
This seems nitpicky and in isolation all these are fine. But when it's cumulative it slows the reader down and actually makes them think too much, rather than just watching whatever movie they make up in their heads.
If you have the characters, settings, and actions well-defined in your head you actually have to describe very little. The authority with which you write will communicate amazingly well. Whether you're a fan or not, Hemmingway often provided the most bare-bones sketches of scenes and action and yet the reader sees it vividly.
For me the big exception is your physical descriptions, which 1) are very important in WG/fatfic and 2) are well-done and don't feel cluttered for some reason.
Don't let me get in your head though. I'd write how you feel and then just edit the unneeded modifiers out in 2nd draft. If you care to.